Thursday, June 17, 2010

Listerine Makes Me Pee

True story people!  Okay, let's rewind a lot first:

Back in the day when I was all young and growing up and such my mom would always have the most ri.dic.u.lous sneezes.  The kind that make you laugh when you're a kid because she looks so spastic and cringe when you're a teenager...because she looks so spastic.  I will now try and describe in words 'THE SNEEZE' to you all but really the only thing that would do it justice is a video (which I don't have but would have been great blackmail in my H.S. years!).  So first off, it was always a very quick and sudden long drawn out build up to her minute it what there and the next, gone in a flash!  However, in these oh so short seconds of her sneeze was an all out legs squozen together crotch keep her from peeing herself and this noise which I will try and type out: 'Uuuuuhh-choooo-buh-loob-uh-loob-uh-loob-uh-loob-uh-loob-uh-loob-un' (One can make this noise by holding the tip of your tongue to the roof of your mouth like you're going to make an 'L' sound.  Now make your lips into an 'O' as in the end of 'chooo', and then just stick your tongue out and back in over and if you're making googly noises to a little baby...and do AS FAST AS YOU CAN!  That last part is key to the whole thing really because it kinda causes your voice to go up a few octaves from normal.  (PS- I love my mom dearly and wouldn't be posting this, except A) She so gets me and my sense of humor and B) This is really something for memory-sake that should be written just so happens to now be written down on my blog!  Love ya momma!)

Where was I?....Oh!  So I always wondered why she had to grab herself?!?!  I think a few times I got the answer, 'Maybe someday you'll get it after you have kids.'  Well, okay, whatever!  (Still cringing at the time!)

Okay, so now let's jump to about a year ago.  (Side note that you must know about me for this to make sense: I sneeze...A one setting...and mostly from looking at the sun or stepping outside...if the sun is involved I have gotten 8 out before quitting...which, can I add, is so scary when this happens and I'm driving!)  Back to a year ago...I stepped outside, looked up at the sun, and sneezed.  A LOT!

ME: 'Oh shit!'
J: 'What?!!?'
ME: 'I just peed!'
J: 'What?!!?'

That was just the start my friends!  It has since gotten worse!  I now find myself trying to 'nonchalantly' grab myself to keep me from peeing.  And the kicker of it all is, since it's the sun that usually trips my '6 or 7 in a row sneezes'...I tend to have the most issues when walking to and from my car outside.  The other day I was in the Wal-Mart parking lot of all places (it's like the biggest store in Great Bend!).  The first sneeze is always a 'tester' sneeze to see how bad it's gonna be and if I'm gonna leak at all.  Well, this one was and I caught myself trying to slow down my walking while squeezing my butt cheeks together and walking with my legs slightly exaggerated (like models down a runway!) to hold it in!  Oh god, maybe I need to go look at People of Wal-mart and make sure no one got me on video!!!

So there's this sneezing issue right?  Well, I also have this other issue called: 'Oh.Mawh.Gawd. I'm turning 30 this year and my body feels so old!'  So now I'm all like, this a sign of old age?  I haven't even started having kids yet?  Oh.Mawh.Gawd!  What's gonna happen when I'm knocked up and sneeze???  EEEEK!  So I'm just calling the 'sneeze pees' a 'hereditary' thing!

Oh but wait!  It gets better worse my friends!  So, the other night I was washing my mouth out with Listerine...(Which might I add is the most FOUL-TASTING liquid ever invented!  But J insists that we only use Listerine, actually generic brand listerine.  Every time I use it though, it burns my mouth, singes my taste-buds, and causes an elaborate production in the bathroom that's worth popping popcorn for.  Oh god, it's dee.scuss.ting!  My mouth waters for like two minutes after I spit it out, so I have to stand there and hover over the sink repeatedly spitting while making 'mawh mouth is burning up haylp meh!' noises!)...back to the other was burning (as always), and I was trying really hard to keep it in long enough to wash my hands (from flossing...I know, it's very aggressive flossing!), so the water was running and the mouth was burning and I was dancing already from it all and then 'IT' happened.  An ever so slightly trickle of know....trickle!  What is my old, soon to be 30, life coming to people!

So the next day, I found myself googling, 'Listerine makes me pee' in hopes that it would make me feel better when I discovered 1000's of other people having this exact same absolutely NO AVAIL!  Getting old sucks!

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