Thursday, June 17, 2010

Listerine Makes Me Pee

True story people!  Okay, let's rewind a lot first:

Back in the day when I was all young and growing up and such my mom would always have the most ri.dic.u.lous sneezes.  The kind that make you laugh when you're a kid because she looks so spastic and cringe when you're a teenager...because she looks so spastic.  I will now try and describe in words 'THE SNEEZE' to you all but really the only thing that would do it justice is a video (which I don't have but would have been great blackmail in my H.S. years!).  So first off, it was always a very quick and sudden long drawn out build up to her minute it what there and the next, gone in a flash!  However, in these oh so short seconds of her sneeze was an all out legs squozen together crotch keep her from peeing herself and this noise which I will try and type out: 'Uuuuuhh-choooo-buh-loob-uh-loob-uh-loob-uh-loob-uh-loob-uh-loob-un' (One can make this noise by holding the tip of your tongue to the roof of your mouth like you're going to make an 'L' sound.  Now make your lips into an 'O' as in the end of 'chooo', and then just stick your tongue out and back in over and if you're making googly noises to a little baby...and do AS FAST AS YOU CAN!  That last part is key to the whole thing really because it kinda causes your voice to go up a few octaves from normal.  (PS- I love my mom dearly and wouldn't be posting this, except A) She so gets me and my sense of humor and B) This is really something for memory-sake that should be written just so happens to now be written down on my blog!  Love ya momma!)

Where was I?....Oh!  So I always wondered why she had to grab herself?!?!  I think a few times I got the answer, 'Maybe someday you'll get it after you have kids.'  Well, okay, whatever!  (Still cringing at the time!)

Okay, so now let's jump to about a year ago.  (Side note that you must know about me for this to make sense: I sneeze...A one setting...and mostly from looking at the sun or stepping outside...if the sun is involved I have gotten 8 out before quitting...which, can I add, is so scary when this happens and I'm driving!)  Back to a year ago...I stepped outside, looked up at the sun, and sneezed.  A LOT!

ME: 'Oh shit!'
J: 'What?!!?'
ME: 'I just peed!'
J: 'What?!!?'

That was just the start my friends!  It has since gotten worse!  I now find myself trying to 'nonchalantly' grab myself to keep me from peeing.  And the kicker of it all is, since it's the sun that usually trips my '6 or 7 in a row sneezes'...I tend to have the most issues when walking to and from my car outside.  The other day I was in the Wal-Mart parking lot of all places (it's like the biggest store in Great Bend!).  The first sneeze is always a 'tester' sneeze to see how bad it's gonna be and if I'm gonna leak at all.  Well, this one was and I caught myself trying to slow down my walking while squeezing my butt cheeks together and walking with my legs slightly exaggerated (like models down a runway!) to hold it in!  Oh god, maybe I need to go look at People of Wal-mart and make sure no one got me on video!!!

So there's this sneezing issue right?  Well, I also have this other issue called: 'Oh.Mawh.Gawd. I'm turning 30 this year and my body feels so old!'  So now I'm all like, this a sign of old age?  I haven't even started having kids yet?  Oh.Mawh.Gawd!  What's gonna happen when I'm knocked up and sneeze???  EEEEK!  So I'm just calling the 'sneeze pees' a 'hereditary' thing!

Oh but wait!  It gets better worse my friends!  So, the other night I was washing my mouth out with Listerine...(Which might I add is the most FOUL-TASTING liquid ever invented!  But J insists that we only use Listerine, actually generic brand listerine.  Every time I use it though, it burns my mouth, singes my taste-buds, and causes an elaborate production in the bathroom that's worth popping popcorn for.  Oh god, it's dee.scuss.ting!  My mouth waters for like two minutes after I spit it out, so I have to stand there and hover over the sink repeatedly spitting while making 'mawh mouth is burning up haylp meh!' noises!)...back to the other was burning (as always), and I was trying really hard to keep it in long enough to wash my hands (from flossing...I know, it's very aggressive flossing!), so the water was running and the mouth was burning and I was dancing already from it all and then 'IT' happened.  An ever so slightly trickle of know....trickle!  What is my old, soon to be 30, life coming to people!

So the next day, I found myself googling, 'Listerine makes me pee' in hopes that it would make me feel better when I discovered 1000's of other people having this exact same absolutely NO AVAIL!  Getting old sucks!

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

I'm a slacker!

Once again, I have about 15 posts that I started, saved, and then never got excited enough to finish and post.  I swear I've been trying though!  However, I thought it might be nice to try and do some quick recaps of events to catch everyone up in our lives.  So here are some recent conversations I've had:

Me: I'm naming mine Porky
J: Mine's named Brisket
(We are the proud owners of two baby steers!  We worked for.ever. on a fence around J's parents' pasture and so far it has held up and kept them in.  They will be fattened up until the fall and then sent off and 'magically' turned into yummy steaks for us.)  (My apologies to my veggie only friends!)

J: Unlock your car
Me: It is
J: No it's not, where are your keys?
Me: (Oh shit!  He's NOT gonna be happy about this one!)  Are they sitting on the front seat of my car?
J: *&%@#%$*!@&^
(That happened about 1 minute before we had to leave for KC this past Saturday!  It's the second time since we've lived here I have done it!  Luckily I'm in cahoots with our neighbor that owns the car shop in town and he rescued my keys in like 10 seconds flat.  AND, super bonus, he didn't charge us!  I made him brownies this morning and delivered them fresh out of the oven...go me Martha!)

Me: (answering door in my PJ's...again...but this time they were 'for real PJ's')  Can I help you?
Radar: Yes, I'm with the census....
(He was baaaaa-aaaack!  Radar dropped us another visit because they didn't receive the census form I filled out the first time!  Go figure...)
Me: You do realize this is not Bogue, KS right?  Bwah-ha-ha!!! (He didn't get it!)

Me: OMG!  It's so frickin' hot in this house!  I'm sweatin' like a fat kid at summer camp!
Me: OMG...if you don't turn on that AC right now I'm gonna FREAK.OUT!!! (PMS'ing)
Me: Jesus, this house is turning into a great weight loss program!  Sweety, I've lost 4 pounds this week!  Talk about sweat equity!
(Our (rental) house sucks...we went from $200.00/month gas bills to keep our house at about 60 degrees this winter to our one window unit A/C that keeps our house at about 89 degrees!)

Me: Hey guess what?!?!  I celebrated my one year anniversary today at work!!!
(Uh, that was last night!  Woot Woot!  One year since our move from the big city and they have yet to find me naked, in the fetal position, in the middle of a wheat field, rocking myself!  GO ME!)

Me: (to my 'Leadership Coach')  We can change that first statement I made about how I make assumptions all the time (I got better) to 'Kristy is an impatient person'.  (I had a self-discovery on the phone with him!)
Greg (my coach): LOL!  Some might consider that a weakness, but you know that can also be a great strength (he's so nice all the time!).
Me: Ha!  Next time someone asks me about my strengths then, I'll just say I'm impatient, I make assumptions, I procrastinate, and am late...ALOT!  Now let me tell you about my weaknesses!  (puh-lease!)

Said to Justin over the past two months:
Me: Guess what?  I hit a cat today on the highway.
Me: Guess what?  I hit a rabbit today on the highway.
Me: Guess what?  I hit a pheasant today on the highway.
Me: Guess what?  I freaking ROCK!  I just tied my bumper back on with bailing twine I found in my car while pulled over on the side of the highway.  Thanks for sticking that pocket knife in my glove box!  Damn pheasant!
Me: Guess what?  I'm a terrible person!  I actually tried to avoid it, but I hit a baby turtle on the highway today.  (I don't freaking rock!)
(I need a cattle guard on the front of my 1999 Nissan Altima!  Here's the deal though...I paid $2000.00 cash for it and when J hit the dog (he started this whole dead animal curse!) we got $1800 back from insurance on it.  The speedometer and odometer work intermittently so the mileage is not accurate...and my bumper is still being held on by bailing twine.  I fixed the squeaking in my removing the hub caps.  Oh, and a chisel won't even pry off all the bugs on the front worked for the fur though!  Needless to say, I made my money back on the beast and will be driving that thing until it dies!!!  Or until we have kids...and decide I need to drive something more durable for smashing into animals on the highway with!  Something with a cattle guard!)

That's all I can think of that's rattling inside my head right now!  Maybe now I can start posting more often!