Only in Claflin, America

I have NOT fallen off the face of the earth and other than a two week trip to Germany back in May, I really have no good excuse for not blogging.  Now, on with the show!


I guess technically this would only be my second installment of 'Only in Claflin, America', but trust me it's worth the wait!


So, yesterday I left work at 9:45 to head to KC for an old co-workers funeral.  (I promise, that's not the point of this story.)  But first I had to meet my in-laws at our house (20 miles away) to get some frozen meat from them that I would deliver to my sis in KC.  About 5 miles down the road (and yes, by then I'm TOTALLY out of town) I realize that I was supposed to stop at the store and get some ice to help keep the meat cold during the 4 hour drive ahead of me.  So I stopped at the grocery store in the next town about 30 miles away.


So, I'm in the parking lot of the store and I am taking one big bag of ice and splitting it up into three trash bags of ice for the three coolers in my back seat full of 'Brisket' (we named our two steers that we sent to slaughter...twisted I know...but good cow karma = good cow meat).  I realize to myself that if I put my keys in the trunk to do this, I will ultimately forget and lock my keys in my car.  (Nice!  One point for me!)  So I deliberately take the time to put them on top of the car and then go about doing my thing.  When I got done, I realized that I was A) running late  B) had 3/4 a tank of gas and was golden...for a bit at least and C) should take advantage of this stop and grab some food for the road.  So in a rush, I quick-drove next door to the DQ for a cheeseburger (in honor of my deceased co-worker who LOVED her some cheeseburgers) only to find the drive-thru not open.  In my laziness haste, I skipped the food and decided that the apple in my purse would have to tide me over until dinner.  Okay, sweet...I'm on the road, meat is iced, I have water and tea, life is wonderful.


....until


About 2 hours down the road I get a call from work.  I reluctantly answered the phone thinking that I must have messed something up before leaving when my co-worker says:
Co-worker: 'Hey do you have your wallet?'
Me: 'Yep!'
Co-worker: 'No you don't.'
Me: (Annoyed because I know I didn't leave it at work.  Little does she know I just used it at the grocery story!) 'Yes I do.'
Co-worker: 'Did you have it in (tiny town I got ice at)?'
Me: (Damn, she's good!) 'Yeeeeeeesssss?'
Co-worker: 'I just got a call from some lady telling us that her husband found your wallet in the ditch, on the side of the road, near the grocery store....'
Me: (Silence).......'Son of a bitch!'


So, apparently in all the hubbub, I was diligent enough to do something with my keys so as not to lock them in the car, but not so diligent enough to put my wallet in a safe place!  My co-worker gave me this lady's work number and said I was supposed to call her.  I called Jo (the lady) and she explained to me that her husband works in that town and while on his way back to work from eating lunch at the grocery store he found my wallet in the ditch and then realized that since he'd picked it up, he now had to do something with it...but didn't  know what.  So Bud (Jo's husband) calls Jo and says that he's got a 'project' for her and to try and hunt me down via Google and contact me.  So now Jo, who works about 40 miles from there is tasked with 'finding me'.  She has no luck just googling my name and ends up running my driver's license (she works at the Sherrif's office) to try and find contact info for me.  This in turn gives her my address (and Lord only knows what else!).  So of course what does one do once you know they live in a small town?  Call the one place that you think might A) be open and that B) might exist in a small town...the public library!  So she calls the Independent Township Library and asks the librarian if she knows me. Of course, being the small town it is (and her daughter was in J's class) she not only knows me, but can tell Jo where I work (and probably that we have a dog named 'Belle', like to two-step in the kitchen, and the scar on my forehead was from a nasty encounter with our fireplace when I was 2.) Hence, how Jo got my work number!


Insert here: Only in Claflin


And now...for the rest of the story!  


So I make plans to meet Jo at a certain exit on the highway on my way back home.  Meanwhile, I'm still not all that freaked out because I do have a check book with me in case of an emergency.  Oh wait...there are no checks in my checkbook.  And now I have a quarter tank of gas left and am scrounging the ashtray for change to pay my toll.  AND I'm still running late because I couldn't speed for fear of getting pulled over with no license on me.


I coast into my sister's driveway with my gas light on.  The call to my sister at work went like this:
Me: 'Hey, you don't happen to have some cash at your place do you?' (I explain the above saga)
Sis: 'You're in luck. While I was cleaning, I noticed some cash in one of the drawers...but I'm not sure how much is there.  It might be $3.00 and it might be $300.00 for all I know.  If all else fails, the kids' piggy banks are upstairs in their rooms.'


Great, so now I have to bring one blue and on pink piggy bank to the gas station and pay with my niece and nephew's coins!!!  And I'm STARVING by now!  I found the money (which was enough...no need to bust out the piggy banks), got gas (in which I caught myself trying figure out how to pay for gas with cash instead of swiping my card), made it to the funeral with not a minute to spare, saw all my old co-workers and friends, and life was looking up.


....until


While back on the road to go home, my cruise control and speedometer quit working on me.  (Which used to be a regularly occurring thing in my POS, but hadn't happened in ages...so of course I didn't bother getting it fixed!).  Plus, I was running late...again...and didn't want to make poor Jo wait on me...so I also skipped stopping somewhere for some dinner.


...and then


I missed my exit for Jo and my wallet!  After ALL that!  It was dark, late, and I was hungry and tired!  I just drove right past it!  And, that part of the highway was under major construction, down to one lane, and there was NO turning around!  The next exit was 20 miles down and was MY exit...so I told Jo to just go home, apologized profusely while she just laughed at me, and made plans to meet her husband at his work the next morning.


Which leads me to today!  A 30 minute drive to his work.  A 20 minute wait for him the parking lot...of the jail...because that's where he works.  A quick 3 minute conversation with the jail's security officer as to why I've been loitering in the parking lot of the jail for 20 minutes.  Another brief 3 minute conversation with Bud, whom I now refer to as 'My Savior'.  A 30 minute drive to get to Claflin and then another 25 minutes to get to work.


Moral of the story: 'Good JuJu only lasts for so long people!'

My Pick-Me-Ups

As of late, J and I have been taking turns being a little bummed out due to 'real estate situations' (I'll leave it at that).  Luckily, when his glass is half empty....mine is half full.  And when my glass is half empty...his is half full.  He is the pea to my pod, the apple of my pie, the (white) chocolate of my chip!  (Apparently I'm craving sweets?!?!)  So far, there have been only a few moments when both our glasses are half empty and last night was one of them!  So he drank Tsingtao and I drank some extremely AWESOME white whine that had peach flavoring added to it...I'll be sure to add a post just about that wine for those of you interested...bonus: it was el cheap-o!!!  So, it's at this moment, that a blog post like this seems to be appropriate.  You see, there are a few things in my life that I purposely arrange in specific areas where I have the chance to look at them on a daily basis to brighten my day as needed.  And so here they are:

1.  The following email that my mom sent me...which is cut out and taped to the wall of my hutch at work with a picture of our dog, and a bunch of pics of J in various cities we've traveled to, and pics of my nieces and nephews:

'Holy Cow!!!  It's 81 here.  I survived my first "official" 5K.  Yeah, I roll up to the park yesterday in street clothes with my coffee and I park and look around and there's all these people stretching, sprinting around, running, etc.  I guess I should have at least shaved my legs and put shorts on.  But in my defense it was 7:00 AM and only 60 degrees and slightly overcast.  Anyways I finished around 77th out of 102 women.  BUT also in my defense, there was tons of high school track girls and I was the sixth oldest person.  Anyway, I wasn't ever sore at all.  I did 53 minutes and I'm sure I could shave 5 off that just by walking faster and even being aware we were being timed.  It was kind of exciting though with loud inspiring rock music blasting and free bagels and all.  I think I'll do it again sometime, just for the heck of it.  Okay gotta get busy.'

2.  Scouring the old posts of my brother's blog that was established solely for niece and nephew updates!  Things such as this:

(OMG!  You just want to pinch those cheeks!)

3. At home, it's the big dark red 'R' for our last name that hangs on the wall with two old wooden antique frames that are two different sizes around it.  We got that 'R' as a wedding gift from my crazy friend Colette who lives in KC and so many fun stories can come out of that 'R'.  From the fact it's the first 'R' I received as newly married chick to the story of how I attempted to hang it, the 2 frames, and about 20 other frames on our wall in this cool pattern as a Christmas gift to J...but the 'R' kept falling and taking down even more frames with it and by the time all was said and done...it was not a gift at all but instead just a huge mess and headache...but a lovable one!

4. A homemade clothespin 'wreath' that I made at home out of brightly colored, funky scrapbook paper.  It just keeps getting added to and has become a memory keeper of sorts.  Each clothespin has things hanging from it such as ticket stubs to games, homemade 'Thank You' cards, wedding 'Thank You' pictures of all our hitched friends or 'Save the Date' pics, an antique B&W of J's gpa, and all sorts of other odd'n'ends that in some way, shape, or form made their way into our lives and created a memory.

5. Lastly, and most recently added, the following email from my sister last week...which now has it's own place on the hutch at work with my mom's.  And after reading both of them, it makes me smile even bigger because it makes me think, 'Good Lord!  There's no denying them for family!' So here it is:

'Btw speaking of delish…I discovered ice cream that has changed my life and may change life as we all know it. It’s at Murray’s Ice Cream in Westport.  The flavor is called Monkey Nuts, which I only ordered because it sounded fun to say. But can I just tell you…seriously…LIFE CHANGING. Now my life is going to be divided into 2 parts; Before I discovered Monkey Nuts and After I became addicted to Monkey Nuts.  It’s banana and peanut butter ice cream with chunks of chocolate in it.  Words cannot describe how totally amazing this stuff is.  Totally worth a 5 hour drive just to come try it. I’m going to get a pint and bring it home the next time you guys are in town.  I’m going to figure out a way to ship it and give it to everyone I know for Christmas.  I want to be buried in a big vat of it when I die.  Hehe…just realized my will would read that I want to be buried in monkey nuts…hehe…you’ll explain that one for them right?'***

I know they all might seem very random and perhaps even meaningless to you all, but for me, they turn a 'glass half empty' day into a 'glass half full' day and for me...that means all the world!

***After asking approval from my sis to post her email (sorry mom...no heads up on that one!) she responded with this:  'Sure, you can include my name and the address to Murray’s so anyone reading your blog can go and see for themselves what an amazing scoop of heaven monkey nuts is.'  (I kid you not people, I can't make this stuff up!)  

So should any of you ever be in the Kansas City area...go eat Monkey Nuts at Murray's in Westport, and tell them Shelly sent you!  (I will vouch that their ice cream rocks...but I can't say anything about their Monkey Nuts!)

Pepe Juice Update!

I don't have much to report on this front, other than some menial ranting and raving about the pest control people...who showed up late afternoon Friday to 'do their thang' to our house...oh but wait...

...said pest control people didn't have their ladder!

If your job is to catch 'pests' on people's properties, be it in a tree, in an attic, on top of the roof, etc. wouldn't you have a FREAKING LADDER!!!!  The lady basically told us to just go get our ladder (which we have to store at the Farm because of course our (rental) house doesn't have a garage or shed...nor does it have a driveway, so when it snows 4" like it did yesterday, we have to park in our BACK YARD so that the city's snow plow doesn't plow our cars in!***) and stick our head's up in their and throw some bait in it and we're good!

Gee...thanks!  So needless to say I spent the weekend freaking out the dog and banging on walls and ceilings throughout the house just to f* with the little critters!  (Although I am very well aware of the fact that it probably is scaring the dog more than them.)

Oh, and she mentioned that mice 'sure can create quite a ruckus and sound much bigger than they are'.  I'm still refusing to admit it might be mice for the sole fact that's just GUH-ROSSSSSS and O.M.G. we are really clean people and how dare you imply we aren't?  Clean, as in my wonderful, handsome, adoring, husband could be borderline OCD about it!  (I love you sweetie, but simmer down with the Bleach!)**

*** Justin said that one of my New Year's Resolutions has to be to not talk so much trash on our living situation and to quit whining about it because it doesn't change anything.  So I'm not...in front of him.  Therefore, you all  are now the proud parents of The Rage about The Shithole.  Enjoy because it's still a fussy, teething, new-born!

**  Pretty sure we have mice in our attic...sigh!

Skunk Much?

...Why yes, I'll take two!


Okay, so my story goes a little somethin' like this:


I was minding my own sleep business, probably dreaming of unicorns and rainbows I'm sure, when what to my surprise, I awoke in the night (3:00 am to be precise) amidst panic and confusion (in my own head of course) to the horrid, awful, toxic, and lethal smell of a little Pepe Le Pew.

(Insert: I have smelled skunks before, and yes, they are atrocious.  I have even owned a dog, who got sprayed by a skunk and then came in the house, and yes, that was crazy dirty terrible bad.  But the Pepe I woke up to Monday night was THE.WORST.SMELL.EV.ER.IN.MY.LIFE.  We're talking like acid in my nose, and ammonia poured directly into my brain type of burn.)


Okay, so once I realized that Pepe was not under my bed, in my pantry, or snuggled up on our laundry basket...I promptly attempted to go back to sleep and deal with him in the morning because let's admit it...I LUUUUB ME SOME SLEEP!


Next morning: House wreaks of Pepe Juice and now we can hear critter scratches in the attic!  (Insert: Oh Shit!)


(Insert: Last year we had a kitty living in the crawl space of the house during the winter...which of course pissed me off because quite frankly, a house (be it rental or not) should never have a hole large enough in the foundation for said kitty to crawl through.  But, we never knew when it was there and wasn't, and we sure as hell didn't want to trap a cat in the crawl space and then deal with the inevitable smell of rotting, decaying kitty in the summer when our house hit a cozy 90 degrees inside.  This being said, my first thought was that Pepe chased some gorgeous broad under our house and Juiced her real good!)


So now we're dealing with Pepe, something in the attic, and possibilities of something in the crawl space...who knows!  Our lovely landlord was kind enough to provide us with her last package of D-Con Bait, provided I pick it up from her house.  Apparently, she tells me, that they've had the attic noises before and it's probably just mice coming in from the winter cold (not that it's been cold for like 2 MONTHS NOW or anything!).  She then laments on about how they have had to deal with a skunk spraying their house during Christmas this year and had to go live with her mom for 5 days while their house aired out.  Good, good.  Thank you so much for sympathizing but quite frankly, 'I don't give a flying rat's ass about the issues you are having with the HOME that you OWN and is YOURS!'  Here are some of my favorite quotes from my phone conversation with Lovely Landlord:


'Just stick your head up in the attic and toss the D-Con in there!'
'No, it wont leave behind a smell of rotting carcass.'
'D-Con eats up the mouse and just leaves fur behind.'
'You should probably do the same in the crawl space, but I only have one bait left.'
'Dogs?  No, it's in the attic...it's not like they're going to get a hold of it.'
'No, we never had $222.81 gas bills in the winter when we lived there!'  (Insert: Bold Faced Liar!)


We came home the next night from work, and our said shithole wreaked yet again of Pepe.  He's a very busy little man if I do say so myself.  And then last night, Justin walked in on me in my fleece PJ's, broom in hand, wild woman look on my face, crouching in silence to listen for the scratches.  My thoughts were if I could bang the broom on our ceiling, it would scare the critter...and if it was a Pepe, it would spray (because hell if I no if skunks spray when startled) and then we at least would for sure know it was a Pepe and where he was bombing his juices at.  I know, hindsight's 20/20, but either way, he didn't spray.  Plus, after my first attempt at hitting the ceiling with the broom, I could here dirt hitting the floor from some cracks up there and decided that creating my own access point to Pepe's apartment wouldn't be wise.  And I scared the dog, who in turn scared the be-jee-zus out of me when she came running in like a wild woman barking and growling.


Right now you're probably saying to yourself, 'Why don't they just call an exterminator and be done with it?'  And to you I say, 'It's complicated man!' 
A. It's a principle thing, I don't think I should pay a minimum of $50 out of my pocket for someone else's lack of upkeep to their house.  
B. I'm of German decent and very stubborn.  
C. I'm now extremely curious at some of the ideas friends have came up with to eradicate said problem.  Douse towels in ammonia and toss them up there has been the most intriguing.  (Which still entails one of us on a ladder with our heads up a dark hole and the possibility of a Pepe in there...while holding towels doused in mind-blinding ammonia...I'm not sure which I'd rather have my house smell like quite frankly.)
D. Had we done this already, Justin wouldn't have been able to come up with a text to his buddy reading: 'Screw it!  We decided against the bait and threw some apples up there instead.  We've decided to be friends.'  (tee hee)


Okay, so that's what we're dealing with this week.  The exterminator, which is now scheduled by the way, told me that if we didn't want to pay for them to come out and take a look that all we'd really have to do is stick our head up there in the daytime to look for exposed light and poo.  Exposed light would hint to whether or not it's mice or a Pepe.  Little poo = little critter.  Large poo = large critter.  Uh-huh, yeah right, sure...you couldn't PAY ME ENOUGH LADY!  He's all yours!

Gobble! Gobble!

Things I'm thankful for (both serious and not-so-serious...so don't hold it against me!):

1. J and I's lives...I sat last night thinking about this pain in my hip (More specifically, my SI Joint, that doctor's are telling me there's no cure for other than time...maybe.  Oh, and in addition...when I told the doctor we might be thinking about children in the future, I got this response: 'You need to start preparing yourself now mentally for the pain you may incure.')...anyways, back to last night.  My hip hurts...almost always...and it's from a wreck J and I were in 3 years ago.  Therefore, I am reminded daily that we are blessed to still be alive...had we not been wearing our seatbelts...it's a pretty certain thing I would not blogging today!

2. I am sitting here at my sister's house surrounded by loving family and one set of my niece and nephew!  So I give thanks to my brother and sister for both making me an aunt!  Ha ha...I get all the fun and love...and then can dump 'em back off with mom and dad for the nitty gritty.  I also give thanks for all the warmth and love we get from all our family we are missing today as well!

3. I am not thankful for the Caramelized Cranberry Onion Cheese Dip I just made...thanks, but no thanks Oceanspray recipe!

4. I am thankful for this Miller Lite in my hand...(don't hold it against me!)

5. I am thankful that I just went made the mashed potatoes after my sister threatened to make them!  Nobody wants to drink their potatoes from a straw!

6. I am thankful for Karma...'nough said!

7. I am thankful for Jillian Michaels' '30 Day Shred' workout video and the 3-day 'pre-turkey fast' I've been on!  I've lost 4 lbs. to put on 10 lbs. I'm sure...but it's Thanksgiving man!

8. I am thankful for my husband!  He is what makes me complete.  Without him...I'd probably be in the middle of a field in the fetal position, rocking myself!  I love you 'Pete'!

Okay, well I'm thankful for a ton more things...but I'm missing out on all the action in the kitchen!  I hope you all out there in blog-ville are enjoying all the things that you are thankful for today as well and enjoying your Thanksgiving traditions...be it Chicken Taquitos and beer (Thanksgiving 2007) or Lasagna (Thanksgiving 2008)!

Here is a random picture that I am posting from my sister's computer, since I'm typing this from KC:

My nephew Jude in his 'Cowboy Costume' with his best John Wayne look!

Google Analytics

I am so loving Google Analytics lately!  I have always wondered how people track their blogs to see who's stalking them...and now I know.  This whole time, I unassumingly figured my whopping 5 followers were the only ones who read my blog.  Then I added Google Analytics to my blog, and now I'm in the know!!!  For those of you unaware as to what this magic tool is, it basically allows you to insert an html code into your blog (behind the scenes) or website and does all sorts of cool tracking for you! 

When I first starting utilizing this tool over a year ago, I was able to see that other's were reading my blog whose locations all made sense to me...family and friends that I have in other cities across the state and a few in other states as well.  Ahhhh, how cool am I?  No, really!  My blog is cooler than I thought!  SWEET!

I just recently looked at my stats for the first time in a long time and noticed that I have had readers from 5...F-I-V-E....that's FIVE other countries!  Now I'm like totally cool!  Okay, okay, I know some of you are reading this going, 'Wow!  She is so behind in times!' or 'What crappy blog stats, and she thinks that's impressive?!?!'  And to those I say, 'Let me have my moment people!  Your blog came from a smaller place too!'

Some other cool things that Google Analytics allows you to view:
- Custom reports that you can set up and have emailed to you.
- Customized goals you set up for your site and then track to see how close you are getting to reaching your goals.
- If people are accessing your site directly, from a different site, or even by what word was searched that got them to your site!  (Cool, I know!)
- You can even drill down to the city...and even the hostname of the computer the person used:  For example, I noticed that someone living in Round Rock, TX has been viewing my blog more often than even some of my family members (odd!) and was intrigued!  So I kept clicking and voila!...it was someone accessing from Dell Corporation!  How flattering...REALLY, I MINE IT!  The fact that my measely blog, which barely even posts on a monthly basis, and is mostly about lame family events in my life is interesting enough to be viewed multiple times a week by someone from Dell Corporation...touched, REALLY! (Insert sarcasm here!) 

Only in Claflin, America!

This is series one of God only knows how many posts about our new(er) hometown and the surrounding areas. You have to say ‘surrounding areas’ because it’s so small, it really doesn’t count without them!  (Keep in mind we've lived here now for a little over a year, but this post has been swimming in my mind since last summer!)


Insert Top 10 8 Reasons for Moving:
- Big City life ain’t our gig baby!
- Raising a family in our new(er) small town seems way more exciting to us…and our kids will    thank us…much much much much later!  They will, right?
- Material possessions nor money are as important to us as love and happiness!  (I know, it sounds so cliche, but is indeed true for us.)
- ACREAGE!!!  (Eventually we hope, that's another blog all together)
- FUN things like camping, hunting, fishing, floating down the rivers here!
- You can’t love the life you live until you start living the life you love!
- Change is good…for me at least…I leave it up to J to fret and stress over it…which my carefree attitude in life complimented quite well!
- Closer to ALL our family…except of course the two kiddos we left behind in the big city (I lived in my sis’s basement for a stint during all this…you can’t get much closer to family than that!) (BTW- I call my niece and nephew ‘my kiddos’…I didn’t actually leave kids of my own behind…gawh!)


Moving along…I have been dreaming up this ‘Only in Claflin, America’ blog for a while now, but keep forgetting the initial instances that made me want to blog about this…so I’m making it an ongoing series. This way I can post as they come to me and I won’t forget them. As promised, here is Series 1:


'Only in Claflin, America' would the local DJ of the radio station dedicate one whole day to playing only songs with the word ‘farm’ or ‘farmer’ in them in honor of harvest.


Only in Claflin, America would the street signs be white with purple letters because those are the H.S. colors (more of a reason for purple to be my favorite color!).


'Only in Claflin, America' would you find yourself purposely missing your street turn so that you can drive by the city pool because…they got new a slide installed! (I must go check out in person!)


'Only in Claflin, America' would the HS track still be sand/dirt…and only I would say, ‘Do they actually hold track meets here or is this just their practice field?’ and 'only in Claflin, America' would the answer, ‘This is the only track and yes, they hold meets here…’ be a valid one!


Only in Claflin, America do you walk back 7 blocks with a doggie poo bag to pick up your dog’s mess (the ONE time you forget to grab one!) so that your not the gossip talk of the town for the next month.


'Only in Claflin, America' does a story of the farmer who happened to grow a ‘Siamese Conjoined Cucumber’ make the front page:

And finally, 'Only in Claflin, America' do you know that school has 'officially' started when you can watch the H.S. Band practice marching up and down your street as you get ready for work.  Ahhhh, the sounds of fall!

Run Like A Mutha'!

This post is entirely dedicated to my big sis' (translated: I'll try really hard to leave the adorable niece and nephew out of it).  So two weekends ago, J and I traveled back to KC to hang with the family and more importantly to see my sis compete in her first ever Triathlon!!!

So, a little history first about this particular marathon:  My sister introduced me to this race and organization two years ago.  Back in the day when I was living in their basement, trying to sell our house, and trying to find a job to move to the middle of Kansas (literally!) all while planning a wedding, my sister came home from some 'free whatnot and have you' with this recipe for healthy smoothies.  She was so jazzed about them and was getting me all jazzified as well, going on and on about the health benefits, and how good they tasted, yadda, yadda.  So, she made us all some that Saturday morning for breakfast...what she failed to say is that they had spinach in them which turned them BRIGHT GREEN...and then we all found out what else they turned bright green later that day!  But they were really good and we were hooked. 

The cool thing (one of many) about this organization is that they host all these free and fun workshops starting like 6 months prior to the race to keep you energized, healthy, and enthused about the race.  So then we started going to all the these free things and getting free training manuals, fitness tests, etc.  It was awesome!  I got so excited, that one day I bit the bullet and signed up for it, thinking that would force me to not back out.  (Translated: Would force my sister to sign up to and do it with me!)  HA!  Have you ever heard of the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure?  And how they have a new box you can check called 'Sleep for the Cure' where you still pay the money for the cause and don't race?  Well, that was me!  (I could go on about all the very obvious reasons (translated: excuses) why I didn't, but luckily this post is for my sis!)

This year my sis signed up and I'll be honest, I was a bit hesitant about whether this was gonna happen or not...but then they got a membership to a gym...and then she started dropping weight like a crazy lady (FYI: She only has 4 more pounds before her husband has to wax his eyebrows!), and then I knew she was serious!

Okay, back to race day!  We all get up at 4:00 am, load a 4 year old and an almost 3 year old in the car, the bike, me, blanket, cooler, Gatorade 1,2, and 3 (or whatever the hell they have out now for training!), drinks, Oh...and let's not forget the signs:

Madi and Jude displaying their mom's sign!

And the sign I made for a girlfriend of mine that I worked with in KC, who also designed my wedding invites, and who also now has a deal with Hallmark for some of her art! (And let's not forget her teammate Kristin who raced with her also!)

We loaded up, drove an hour to Lake Smithville, got some coffee on the way so Shelly go get the 'nervous poops' out of her system, and then rocked out a little 'She's a Brick....Houuuuuuse' in the parking lot while unloading.  She danced, Jude cried, and yes...people stared.  It occurred to me then that we really should have thought about tailgating...(and later we saw people doing it!  So don't think I'm all that crazy!)

Shelly and her Sherpa (her husband) got her off on her way, and then I assumed the role of picture taker:

Ashley and Kristin; AKA: Team Jiggly Bits (And can you see the Hello Kitty balloon in the background?  That's Ashley's...she LOVES Hello Kitty and the balloons are so that you can find your bike on your way back from the swim...One thing our Sherpa forgot!)

Striking a pose before the race!

Loving the kids before the race!

Lookin' a little nervous before the first event

'Blowin' it Up' with Jude!  Go Mommy!

Trying to keep the kids busy before it got started!

Coming back in from the swim!

Ready to race...now that she found her bike!  She had a slow transition due to a lost bike for a few seconds!

Coming back from the bike!  I like this one because the look on her face almost is saying, 'Oh shit!' and the whole time she was out on the bike part, The Sherpa and I kept looking at our watches and saying, 'She should be back by now!'.  We were getting worried and thought maybe she had a 'Grandma Attack' from the coffee and had to deviate!  (Come to find out, we were just wrong on her bike time!)

I missed her bike to run transition...so we just hung out at the finish line for her, and these guys were there to cheer people on!  I had to take a pic..there was pirate for Christ's sake!

Say no more about the tailgaiting part!

VICTORY!!!

Victory Dance!?!?

Victory pose with the kiddos!

Victory Pose with The Sherpa!  (I made this pic XL so that you can get a good look at those eyebrows that are about to get a much needed 'Man-Scaping'!

And the victory party that night outside in the cul-de-sac.  The kids were playing tag with J (AKA: Matthew McConaugh-Hair!).  And no, Jude doesn't have to play with a helmet on...he was showing us his big boy biking skills right before that...and reallllly likes to show off the helmet!)

So that's that!  Shelly finished 255th overall out of I think it was 855 racers that started.  About 200 of them DNF'd (did not finish).  Her time was 1:26:54, which she was hoping for 1:30:00!!!  And her 5K, which was the last event was almost right at 30 minutes, which I find just 'Kick Ass Awesome' after everything else AND on hills!  Oh, and next year....I'm soooooo doing it.....and kicking her ass!!!  (Just a little sisterly love for ya!)

Photo Phriday!

Here are some pics I've taken recently!  I apparently have been fascinated with sunsets lately because that's all I have for ya:

This one was taken at Cheyenne Bottoms, about 5 miles from our house.

Also taken at Cheyenne Bottoms on a different date:

Shot 1

Shot 2 (Doctored a bit)

I little later:

And again:

This is a cool limestone post fence row that goes on and on for miles, and in such good shape!  This little excursion took us to the local restaurant in Galatia, KS...if you ever find yourself there order the 'Chips and Cheese' with a side of Tums!

This is a picture from our front porch right after a nasty storm passed through town and the sun was starting to set.  The tornado sirens went off during this storm...which just so happen to be in our BACK YARD!

This was taken somewhere in Oklahoma on a trip back with my mom.  Notice the multi-colored spot in the upper left corner...it was too cool!

Another one:

This one's my favorite!

This is a blood moon coming up during an 'Ag Tour' we took one Friday night scouting out all the bridges for our float trip the next day.

And again:

And this was taken somewhere in VERY WESTERN BFE, KS.  We pulled over on a dirt road for a...ahem...errrr....uh...restroom break and I just loved the pinks and the turbines in the distance!

So that's our life lately in pictures!  I know, I know, you're IN LOVE with them and want to move to closer to us right away don't you?  Okay, well just comment below and let me know your needs and I'll be your 'unofficial' realtor so long as you move here and be my friend!  I can even post more cool pics to sway you if need be!

Listerine Makes Me Pee

True story people!  Okay, let's rewind a lot first:

Back in the day when I was all young and growing up and such my mom would always have the most ri.dic.u.lous sneezes.  The kind that make you laugh when you're a kid because she looks so spastic and cringe when you're a teenager...because she looks so spastic.  I will now try and describe in words 'THE SNEEZE' to you all but really the only thing that would do it justice is a video (which I don't have but would have been great blackmail in my H.S. years!).  So first off, it was always a very quick and sudden thing...no long drawn out build up to her sneezes...one minute it what there and the next, gone in a flash!  However, in these oh so short seconds of her sneeze was an all out legs squozen together crotch grab...to keep her from peeing herself and this noise which I will try and type out: 'Uuuuuhh-choooo-buh-loob-uh-loob-uh-loob-uh-loob-uh-loob-uh-loob-un' (One can make this noise by holding the tip of your tongue to the roof of your mouth like you're going to make an 'L' sound.  Now make your lips into an 'O' as in the end of 'chooo', and then just stick your tongue out and back in over and over...as if you're making googly noises to a little baby...and do AS FAST AS YOU CAN!  That last part is key to the whole thing really because it kinda causes your voice to go up a few octaves from normal.  (PS- I love my mom dearly and wouldn't be posting this, except A) She so gets me and my sense of humor and B) This is really something for memory-sake that should be written down...it just so happens to now be written down on my blog!  Love ya momma!)

Where was I?....Oh!  So I always wondered why she had to grab herself?!?!  I think a few times I got the answer, 'Maybe someday you'll get it after you have kids.'  Well, okay, whatever!  (Still cringing at the time!)

Okay, so now let's jump to about a year ago.  (Side note that you must know about me for this to make sense: I sneeze...A LOT...in one setting...and mostly from looking at the sun or stepping outside...if the sun is involved I have gotten 8 out before quitting...which, can I add, is so scary when this happens and I'm driving!)  Back to a year ago...I stepped outside, looked up at the sun, and sneezed.  A LOT!

ME: 'Oh shit!'
J: 'What?!!?'
ME: 'I just peed!'
J: 'What?!!?'

That was just the start my friends!  It has since gotten worse!  I now find myself trying to 'nonchalantly' grab myself to keep me from peeing.  And the kicker of it all is, since it's the sun that usually trips my '6 or 7 in a row sneezes'...I tend to have the most issues when walking to and from my car outside.  The other day I was in the Wal-Mart parking lot of all places (it's like the biggest store in Great Bend!).  The first sneeze is always a 'tester' sneeze to see how bad it's gonna be and if I'm gonna leak at all.  Well, this one was and I caught myself trying to slow down my walking while squeezing my butt cheeks together and walking with my legs slightly exaggerated (like models down a runway!) to hold it in!  Oh god, maybe I need to go look at People of Wal-mart and make sure no one got me on video!!!

So there's this sneezing issue right?  Well, I also have this other issue called: 'Oh.Mawh.Gawd. I'm turning 30 this year and my body feels so old!'  So now I'm all like, shit...is this a sign of old age?  I haven't even started having kids yet?  Oh.Mawh.Gawd!  What's gonna happen when I'm knocked up and sneeze???  EEEEK!  So I'm just calling the 'sneeze pees' a 'hereditary' thing!

Oh but wait!  It gets better worse my friends!  So, the other night I was washing my mouth out with Listerine...(Which might I add is the most FOUL-TASTING liquid ever invented!  But J insists that we only use Listerine, actually generic brand listerine.  Every time I use it though, it burns my mouth, singes my taste-buds, and causes an elaborate production in the bathroom that's worth popping popcorn for.  Oh god, it's dee.scuss.ting!  My mouth waters for like two minutes after I spit it out, so I have to stand there and hover over the sink repeatedly spitting while making 'mawh mouth is burning up haylp meh!' noises!)...back to the other night...it was burning (as always), and I was trying really hard to keep it in long enough to wash my hands (from flossing...I know, it's very aggressive flossing!), so the water was running and the mouth was burning and I was dancing already from it all and then 'IT' happened.  An ever so slightly trickle of the....you know....trickle!  What is my old, soon to be 30, life coming to people!

So the next day, I found myself googling, 'Listerine makes me pee' in hopes that it would make me feel better when I discovered 1000's of other people having this exact same dilemma....to absolutely NO AVAIL!  Getting old sucks!

I'm a slacker!

Once again, I have about 15 posts that I started, saved, and then never got excited enough to finish and post.  I swear I've been trying though!  However, I thought it might be nice to try and do some quick recaps of events to catch everyone up in our lives.  So here are some recent conversations I've had:

Me: I'm naming mine Porky
J: Mine's named Brisket
(We are the proud owners of two baby steers!  We worked for.ever. on a fence around J's parents' pasture and so far it has held up and kept them in.  They will be fattened up until the fall and then sent off and 'magically' turned into yummy steaks for us.)  (My apologies to my veggie only friends!)

J: Unlock your car
Me: It is
J: No it's not, where are your keys?
Me: (Oh shit!  He's NOT gonna be happy about this one!)  Are they sitting on the front seat of my car?
J: *&%@#%$*!@&^
(That happened about 1 minute before we had to leave for KC this past Saturday!  It's the second time since we've lived here I have done it!  Luckily I'm in cahoots with our neighbor that owns the car shop in town and he rescued my keys in like 10 seconds flat.  AND, super bonus, he didn't charge us!  I made him brownies this morning and delivered them fresh out of the oven...go ahead...call me Martha!)

Me: (answering door in my PJ's...again...but this time they were 'for real PJ's')  Can I help you?
Radar: Yes, I'm with the census....
(He was baaaaa-aaaack!  Radar dropped us another visit because they didn't receive the census form I filled out the first time!  Go figure...)
Me: You do realize this is not Bogue, KS right?  Bwah-ha-ha!!! (He didn't get it!)

Me: OMG!  It's so frickin' hot in this house!  I'm sweatin' like a fat kid at summer camp!
and
Me: OMG...if you don't turn on that AC right now I'm gonna FREAK.OUT!!! (PMS'ing)
and
Me: Jesus, this house is turning into a great weight loss program!  Sweety, I've lost 4 pounds this week!  Talk about sweat equity!
(Our (rental) house sucks...we went from $200.00/month gas bills to keep our house at about 60 degrees this winter to our one window unit A/C that keeps our house at about 89 degrees!)

Me: Hey guess what?!?!  I celebrated my one year anniversary today at work!!!
(Uh, that was last night!  Woot Woot!  One year since our move from the big city and they have yet to find me naked, in the fetal position, in the middle of a wheat field, rocking myself!  GO ME!)

Me: (to my 'Leadership Coach')  We can change that first statement I made about how I make assumptions all the time (I got better) to 'Kristy is an impatient person'.  (I had a self-discovery on the phone with him!)
Greg (my coach): LOL!  Some might consider that a weakness, but you know that can also be a great strength (he's so nice all the time!).
Me: Ha!  Next time someone asks me about my strengths then, I'll just say I'm impatient, I make assumptions, I procrastinate, and am late...ALOT!  Now let me tell you about my weaknesses!  (puh-lease!)

Said to Justin over the past two months:
Me: Guess what?  I hit a cat today on the highway.
Me: Guess what?  I hit a rabbit today on the highway.
Me: Guess what?  I hit a pheasant today on the highway.
Me: Guess what?  I freaking ROCK!  I just tied my bumper back on with bailing twine I found in my car while pulled over on the side of the highway.  Thanks for sticking that pocket knife in my glove box!  Damn pheasant!
Me: Guess what?  I'm a terrible person!  I actually tried to avoid it, but I hit a baby turtle on the highway today.  (I don't freaking rock!)
(I need a cattle guard on the front of my 1999 Nissan Altima!  Here's the deal though...I paid $2000.00 cash for it and when J hit the dog (he started this whole dead animal curse!) we got $1800 back from insurance on it.  The speedometer and odometer work intermittently so the mileage is not accurate...and my bumper is still being held on by bailing twine.  I fixed the squeaking in my tires...by removing the hub caps.  Oh, and a chisel won't even pry off all the bugs on the front bumper...it worked for the fur though!  Needless to say, I made my money back on the beast and will be driving that thing until it dies!!!  Or until we have kids...and decide I need to drive something more durable for smashing into animals on the highway with!  Something with a cattle guard!)

That's all I can think of that's rattling inside my head right now!  Maybe now I can start posting more often!

Ciao!

Census Taker, Schmensus Schtalker!

So an apparent 'Census STALKER' visited our house this weekend and it went a little something like this:

I was sitting at home...alone (of course!)...sipping my freshly ground french pressed coffee (Thank You Mom!) while doing a little blog stalking myself when I heard footsteps on our front porch.  Waiting for our 'guard dog' to start barking, I continued to bloggle.  'What's that, no dog bark?!?!', I thought to myself...Oh, damn...J took her with him out galley-vanting around.  I was feeling particularly lazy that morning and just waited for the door bell to ring...hoping the person would disappear.  Well, it worked because the bell never rang!  About 5 minutes later, I hear footsteps yet again on the front porch.  Now I'm just mad that some person can't work up the balls to just knock on my damn door.  I looked out the window (closest thing to me that allowed for me to stay fully reclined and comfy) and noticed a big, old, red pick-up truck.  'Odd!  I didn't ever hear a big truck like that pull up?!?!  Perhaps I should go look out the window on our door'.  To my surprise, what do I behold?  Some short, scrawny guy (imagine Radar from M*A*S*H but skinnier and more confused looking) sitting on my patio chair and writing on a piece of paper on my patio table...  At the same time 'Radar' gets up to knock on my door I realize I'm in my pajamas still (Adidas warm-ups and a sweatshirt...don't get any crazy ideas here!  It's a lot what I look like when working-out minus the ponytail.) and children's cartoons are blaring in the background because I was so focused on bloggling that I lost track of time and apparently all reality.  So I quick-ran and put my hair in a ponytail (so he wouldn't think I was answering the door in my pj's) and muted the TV (because what stranger would know if I had kids or not to watch said cartoon?!?!), all the while processing the weirdness of what I had just observed.

So I answered the door, but kept the glass door firmly shut and shouted at him through the door (I say that like I had to shout because our house is so fancy with some super cool, hefty duty door!  Really, I could have farted and he would have felt the breeze...we still live in the crappy, 'arid', rental with a $200.00 per month gas bill and an average temperature of 55 degrees inside...yes that one!).  He showed me his little 'Census 2010 badge' and his little 'Census 2010 clipboard' (I guess to try and tell me 'I know I look like a serial rapist, but really you can trust me!').  And I showed him my little 'I don't give a f*ck what you have, you look like a serial rapist to me' look.

Oh, I forgot to mention...going back to the whole Radar look.  Take off the army camo. and add a full length black trench coat, black jeans, and hard core-shit kickin'-cowboy boots to accessorize his little 'Census 2010 badge and clipboard'.

He proceeds to explain what he's doing (hand delivering Census Forms...rrrrrriiiiight!).  I'm thinking, 'OMG!  They just ran a news story this week about how we will be getting a letter in the mail that let's us know that we will be getting our Census...in the mail...soon!  And how people were all miffed about the waste of paper and postage...yadda, yadda.'  (Like it mattered though...I only walk down and check our mailbox like once every two weeks...because who lives in a town so small that they don't have a mailbox directly on their property somewhere???...GAWH!')  So I am under the assumption I will be getting my Census in the mail right?  But, since I'm apparently a big girl now (it's my first official Census...FYI!!!), I have no flippin' clue how this shit works!  Not too mention, living in small-town-rural-america almost always trumps the rules of any sane assumption of lifestyles as I once knew them.  So I crack the door open enough to stick out my hand for the envelope.  When this conversation ensues:

'R': I just need to verify a few questions. (As he looks at his 'Census.clipboard')
Me: Okay
'R': Are you the primary residence holder? (AKA...Do you live here alone?  Are you alone right now?  Those pajamas of yours are hot!)
Me: No, my husband is.
'R': What I meant (oh, uh-huh, right!) was, is this the only residence here?  There's no apartment inside anywhere where another family may live?  (AKA...You're not harboring any small trolls in the crawl space are you?)
Me: (Laughing out loud at that one!)  Uh, no!  (Does he see the size of this house?!?!  Really???  It's like the smallest house in town!)...(AKA...You mean other than the rabid-stray-alley-cats that crawl in there purposely to waft their scent throughout our house...driving my huge guard dog that's chained up inside and about to eat you...CRAZY in the middle of the night just so that I can only get 2 hours of sleep?)
'R': Okay, all I need to do now is confirm the address on here.
Me: (You are standing...quite literally...in front of the numbers on my house and the street sign is in the corner of my yard!  Not too mention, I already heard your scrawny ass on my porch once today!  And now you're trying to tell me you're not sure where you are!)
'R': Okay, this is (insert street numbers and street name here)?
Me: Yes.
'R': And ummm, this is Bogue, KS right?  Or wait, no???***
Me: What? NO! (You IDIOT!)  You......arrrrrrre.....innnnnnn......Clllllllaflinnnnnn, KS (Very slowly and loud!).  (Where the hell is Bogue, KS???)
'R': Oh, right (awkward chuckle)...okay, well let me just scratch that out and write in Claflin here. (I'm about to rape you!)
'R': Well, but the zip code is right...67635???
Me: NOPE!  67525...completely off!  (How did this weirdo end up on my porch today?!?!)
'R': Oh!  Oh?  Okay, well let me just scratch that out and write in 67525 here.  (Damn, she's onto me!)

Blah, blah, blah...yadda, yadda, yadda...he gives me my census and leaves!

CREEP-UH-ZOID!

***FYI...I googled it...Bogue, KS is about 130 miles away from me!!!

Olympics What?

Dear work, husband, dog, 'Edward', laundry, sleep, loved ones I should be calling on the phone and catching up with, workouts, dishes, and blogs that I stalk on a daily basis:

I promise to return to you all just as soon as the Olympics are over.  But until then, I am using my new HD antenna to watch the Olympics (in HD! for free! bitches!).  During this time I will probably be screaming, yelling at the TV, waking up J (on accident), drinking a beer, and commentating Curling with the TV on mute (because if you've done it on a Friday night with friends, you know how entertaining it can be!).

I will be back soon though with the full ferocity, wildness, bloodthirstiness (seriously, it was listed as a synonym!), turbulence, and barbaric splendor (I can't make this stuff up people!) as when I left you.  Except for maybe the laundry and dishes...  And the bloggers that I stalk will really never know I left them!  ...And I was never all that 'ferocious' with my workouts anyways.  Well, and really there's no 'splendor' in my job(s)!  Sleep...ah-ha!...yes, you - sweet glorious sleep!  I rock at that (just ask J!  Tonight we talked about how if it were an Olympic sport I'd have the upper hand fo' shiz!) and will never let you down again...at least not for another 4 years!